Putting It All Together

Putting it all Together

When communicating with kids, keeping all three parenting process guidelines in mind creates an outline for how to be in a relationship, how to be with our children’s feelings, while still being ourselves.

Once again, here are The Parenting Process guidelines:


1. BONDING

: MAKE CONTACT. PROTECT THE BOND; DO NOT THREATEN EITHER EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT OR INVASION.



2. MIRRORING: MIRROR AND REFLECT YOUR CHILD’S FEELINGS WITH EMPATHY.



3. DIFFERENTIATING
: REMEMBER YOUR CHILD IS DIFFERENT FROM YOU, WITH DIFFERENT THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.

Using these guidelines, parents will nourish children to recognize and express their own
feelings and have empathy for others. These children have a better chance to grow into adults who are not torn between their need for intimacy and their need for independence. These children will be better prepared to meet the emotional demands of the future and to nurture the life of our planet.

Now that I have introduced you to The Parenting Process and shared my philosophy. The next posts will be about how to put this all into practice. I welcome your comments and suggestions.

Differentiation

The Parenting Process Guidelines: Differentiation

Let's consider the third developmental theme.

REMEMBER YOUR CHILD IS DIFFERENT FROM YOU,

WITH DIFFERENT THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS

Differentiation is the psychological process in which adults and children differentiate themselves -- each clarifying and communicating a unique emotional identity in a context of connectedness. Differentiation means developing and managing a fluid, sense of boundaries that delineate each of us emotionally in our relationships. Another word to describe emotional boundary might be emotional interface, the contact boundary where two people meet in transaction.

Our children’s ability to delineate and manage their boundaries safely depends on our acceptance, support, and acknowledgment of their motivations, and their regulated and disregulated affects. The recognition of the existence of our children’s autonomous feelings supports them experiencing the value of their existence. When we address our children’s emotions and their meanings as differentiated from their actions, mirroring their emotions and setting limits with their actions, we socialize them without crushing their spirits. Drawing a firm line that protects a child and mirroring the protest allows us to take care of children without “winning” or “losing” a power struggle. When discussing our own feelings it is important to own them by using the pronoun I in our interactions with children e.g. I want instead of you need….

Recognition and acceptance of emotional differences creates the safety that nourishes the development of children’s capacities for:

The right to have and use their own mind

Self-representation

Internal narrative

A sense of interiority

The expansion of intimate relationships