The Parenting Process Guidelines: Bonding

Let's consider the first developmental theme:

BONDING

In truth, bonding begins even before a baby is born and continues for a lifetime. We never outgrow our need for secure attachments. We can understand bonding as shared attention and shared engagement between parents and children.

Infants bond through their experiences of:
Scent
Touch
Tone of voice
Facial recognition
And Emotional energy

Parents often amplify their babies’ joy through eye contact. Additionally, using a gently rising tone of voice expands the babies’ ability to tolerate intensity. Parents also use touch and tone of voice to soothe painful affects, which helps babies develop self-soothing abilities.

In addition, parents and children often experience what is called “separation anxiety.” Its purpose is to keep parents and children in close enough proximity and contact to protect them from danger. This anxiety is also part of the non-verbal language of bonding. Adults (both men and women) experience separation anxiety when their babies are in distress.

Babies and children also can experience separation anxiety when they lose contact with their mommies and daddies. For example, I’m 18 months old and looking at a leaf, I look up see my caregiver, and return my attention to the leaf. Or, I look up and don’t see my caregiver, drop the leaf, and anxiously look for him or her.

When adults have an experience of anxiety upon hearing their child in distress, they want to take actions that relieve the cry of distress in the child, which also relieves their own anxiety. This empathy moves us to feed, soothe, and warm our babies. When infants and children become more regulated as their needs are met, the distress changes to satisfaction, and we become more regulated as well.


THE PARENTING PROCESS GUIDELINE FOR BONDING IS:

MAKE CONTACT. PROTECT THE BOND; DO NOT THREATEN EITHER EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT OR INVASION.

Let's consider what this means.

In making contact with our kids, we need to be sensitive to their non-verbal body language in order not to activate stress responses which will interfere with our ability to connect.

Are they present or dissociated? Are their muscles very tense? Do they appear collapsed? Are they averting their gaze? If we physically move too close or too far away, depending on the sensibilities of each unique child, we may trigger a defensive reaction in our relationships, no matter what our words are. Changing our rhythm from chase and dodge to contact and play depends on our ability to stay present enough to track ourselves and our kids in order to create a rhythm of safe contact. Sensitivity to non-verbal cues also lets us track when we are verbally “too close or too far away” for our kids to feel safe and inhibits us from making verbal threats like, “If you don’t listen and get in the car right now, I will leave you in the supermarket!”

Remember: having a non-verbal experience of either invasion or abandonment can disrupt the feeling of closeness.